Down With The Quickness

This isn't much of a selling point, and may even rank up there as one of the worst opening lines of all time like if I said you had a nice body would you hold it against me, but here it is: I really have nothing to say. I'm listening to some very fast music that makes me want to type very fast and you, my friends, are missing out. It's fast as shit, this typing that I'm doing. I should put it up on youtube. It's that good. It's like a typing speed run. Hardly any typos or anything.

But I don't really have anything to say.

As you may have noticed.

If you made it this far.

So my fingers are dancing tapping jumping percussively almost convulsively over and across the keyboard like the legs of a couple over- caffeinated multiple- amputee spiders who are very busy not putting Baby in a corner. I'm pretending the keyboard is a musical instrument. My shoulders are getting into it. I'm doing that twitchy thing with my mouth like those guys in bands do. If I had long hair it would be dark and sort of curly and hanging down over the keyboard. Waving back and forth. Bouncing up and down. Because I am that into it. Also, leather shorts. I've always wanted to be able to play something really fast and very accurately that would make people go, 'Holy shit! That guy is really fast! And he's also very accurate! I can't help but groove because DAMN it! I must buy him a beer afterward and say some complimentary thing that he'll ignore and not because he's a jerk but because lots of other people here want to buy him a beer and say some complimentary thing that he'll ignore and not because he's a jerk but because he's in some sort of trance from that crazy shit he just did that was SO. AWESOME. and wait, is he checking out my girlfriend?'

And of course I would be. Because I like the idea of girlfriends. If I had one, she'd be pretty cool with the whole super- fast typing thing. In fact, that's probably what drew her to me in the first place. But after a few weeks she'd be all, 'Dude, seriously, could you put that god damned keyboard down and come to bed? You don't have anything to say anyway, and besides, I have a meeting with an important client in the morning.' And I'd be all, 'Baby, you just don't get it, man. This is my ART, man. This is how I EXPRESS MYSELF.' And then she'd say, 'Did you know that when a lactating mother uses a breast pump she's 'expressing' herself?' And I'd say, 'oh yeah? Well... hang on. I'm gonna go brush my teeth. I'll be there in a minute.'